Wizarding Logic
by ShockingRevelations
Summary: A series of unrelated one-shots. In the first chapter, Harry expands upon Ron's: 'All Slytherins are evil' logic. No specific year.
1. Chapter 1: Logic

"So, Daphne Greengrass approached me today. Apparently she wants a sort of alliance between the houses of Potter and Greengrass. What do you guys think?" Harry broached the topic with his friends, but before any of them could express their own thoughts , Ron Weasley happened.

"She's a slimy snake, Harry! They're all evil!" Ron shouted while ejecting spittle en masse. His mouth was covered with half-eaten egg, and his mouth was full of bacon and toast.

"Really? And why is that?" Harry looked at the boy incredulously.

"You-Know-Who was a Slytherin, and everyone knows that all Slytherins are Death Eaters!" Ron still saw red and had no idea in what direction his self-proclaimed best mate would take this.

"Interesting. Let's expand upon that logic a bit, shall we. Hitler was Austrian. He caused over 60 million deaths. _Gasp_ , that means all austrians are **evil!** But wait, Hitler was straight, that means all straight men are **evil**! But that's not all, Hitler was a muggle. Therefore, all muggles are **evil**! But we can go deeper, still. Hitler was a man. Ergo, all men are **evil**!" By banging his fist on the table each time he uttered the word 'Evil', he quickly caught everyone's attention, and soon all conversation in the Great Hall had stopped, everyone gaping at his proclamations.

"Merlin's beard, he was a human! That means all humans are **EVIL!** Let's not forget he was alive, that means every living thing is **EVIL!** " People's eyebrows were by now covered by their hair, even Quirrell's, and he was wearing a turban! "Oh Lord, Hitler existed. Everything that exists is evil. Meaning all magic, too, is evil. That means all magic is **dark!** But if all magic is dark, none is dark. And if no magic is dark nor light, that means the whole concept of good and evil is non-existent! By god, Ron, you have made the greatest discovery in the history of humanity; There is no good and evil, ONLY POWER AND THE INTENT THAT GUIDES IT!" Going with the flow of his own speech, he stood up and ran out of the hall shouting how he had to write to the Daily Prophet about this. He had noticed how the entire Great Hall had stilled, and how he had everyone's attention. Once he was out of earshot, he started chuckling to himself, murmuring something about 'illogical idiots'.

Meanwhile, the entire student population (with the exception of the muggle-born and -raised) had their entire world-view shattered, and realised that Potter was right! Good and evil didn't exist! They all had to tell their parents about this major discovery immediately! And so it was that a good nine-tenths of the students stood up and rushed out towards their dorms to write their letters home. If one stayed, one would have seen the teachers gaping, still working on processing that bit of information, after all, they had lived their entire lives following the concept of light and dark without even once questioning it, and Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, defeater of Grindelwald and champion of the Light, eyes unfocused, muttering words such as 'Impossible' and 'Gellert'.

The rest of the people in the hall were those who had been raised in the muggle world and whose concept of logic was, well, more logical. They were the ones who had been taught to think for themselves instead of just accepting everything they were told as facts. After the first person began chuckling, the rest soon followed, and quickly, fists were banging on the desk in a desperate attempt to express their humor. Only a good five minutes later did the ones rolling on the floor stand up and wipe away their tears, and the ones lying their heads on the table start inhaling air again.


	2. Chapter 2: First day of School

A/N: So these stories could all be considered stand-alone one-shots and basically all AU. This one's more than twice the length of the first chapter, but I think I'll keep them at around 1k words in the future. If you see any spelling errors, do tell. Have fun.

When Harry woke up and saw no-one in the dorm room, he cast a quick _Tempus_ to check what time it was, only to find that he'd missed breakfast, and was going to be late to first period of the first day of school if he didn't leave right away. So he broke the world record in getting dressed before leaving the dorm, intent on not being late on the first day of classes, only to run into his childhood friend, Alex, Sirius' daughter.

"We're lost, aren't we?" Alex furrowed her brows, but was unable to retort. "Yeah. I could've sworn we walked along this corridor just five minutes ago." They had been walking for twenty minutes already, and without breakfast, they had little energy. While Alex was checking the rooms nearby to figure out where they were, Harry leaned against a statue of a lion sitting on its haunches.

Alex was in the middle of checking out the third, unused classroom in that corridor when she heard Harry scream. Rushing back out, she didn't see her almost-brother. In fact, she didn't see the Lion statue he was leaning against either. Harry meanwhile lay on his back, surprise etched on his face. He had been leaning against the lion, putting his hand on its tail when he heard a click and the whole statue, dais and all, moved backwards.

"Wan'na check it out? We're late anyways, plus we can't get much more lost than we are right now." Harry asked Alex after the latter helped the former back to his feet.

"Sure, why not." They had Potions first anyway, and after all the horror stories about professor Snape, they didn't mind missing it. And so they explored the secret tunnel. At first it went down, only logical as they had been on the fifth floor somewhere, but soon they went up again, left and right, they quickly lost their bearing in regards to the castle as a whole.

"Why is there a water fountain here? That makes no sense whatsoever." Harry was completely bewildered, but Alex wasn't going to complain. They were thirsty, after all. "Who cares, I just hopes it works."

"Who on earth thought it was a good idea to put a pit full of piranhas in the middle of the castle!?" When they came across that room, they stood there, shell shocked for a minute, wondering about the possible explanations - not that they found any reasonable ones.

"Whoever built this corridor is a true Sadist. I mean, why else would there be a pitfall filled with spears here?" Alex just stared down the trap she just kept Harry from falling into, wondering what the hell they had gotten themselves into.

"Oh come on, now that's just ridiculous." Harry agreed silently, gazing at the swinging blades blocking their path.

Ten hours it took before the two first years found an exit from the tunnel system that spanned seemingly the entire castle, from the 7th floor to the 4th basement level, from the east wing to the west. From time to time they could hear voices, but they could find no doors. But no more! The trapdoor was in the ceiling, so wherever they emerged to, they would at least not fall from the ceiling.

Roger Davies, third year Ravenclaw, thought he had become accustomed to life in a magical castle, after all he'd lived in one for two years, seen ghosts and talking animals. Nothing could surprise him anymore. Then Harry Potter climbed from under the table while he was eating dinner with the rest of the Hogwarts population, only to be followed by Alex Black.

"That's about damn time." Harry said as he dusted off his robes, although he quickly realized that burning them would be simpler and more time efficient. And he really shouldn't throw that much work at the house elves on the first day. Alex's response was a simple: "I'm hungry. Let's eat."

Without further ado, they ignored the stares coming from around them and for all intents and purposes inhaled the food. Meanwhile, if Roger Davies thought he'd seen everything the castle had to offer, then the teachers who'd taught here for decades most certainly did. But even they were lost for words when two first years popped up from underneath the Ravenclaw table during dinner.

"Not again!" Harry and Alex were lost once more. Funnily enough in what seemed to be the same corridor as yesterday. "This doesn't make any sense. We were going down the stairs from the second floor, so how'd we end up on the fifth floor again!?"

Alex was in the middle of ranting when she heard a faint click, only to find Harry standing where the lion once stood. "Let's have another go. We know our way now, so we'll reach the end way faster than last time around. Come on." Without waiting for an answer, Harry trotted on into the darkness.

Three hours later, Harry and Alex were at an impasse. The room was large, and the floor wooden, not the hewn stone used in the rest of the castle. They had been searching for ten minutes already, but could find neither exit nor trap.

"Hey, I think I found something!" Alex sounded pretty ecstatic, not that it surprised Harry. They'd been lost for hours. Again! "Let me see." In front of Alex's feet was a slight, square indention. When Harry put some weight in the form of his foot on it, it sank down slightly and moved aside. When they looked down, they found the Great Hall, and they could smell lunch.

As if responding to their hunger, a rope appeared, anchored to the floor and falling down the thirty or so meters which the ceiling of the Great Hall towered above the floor. Without hesitation, Harry and Alex grabbed the rope and threw themselves down.

Nymphadora Tonks - Don't call me Nymphadora! - was in her NEWT year, meaning her schedule was bursting at the seams, and that after only two days of school. It was depressing, so when her cousins somehow ended up under the Ravenclaw table at dinner yesterday, it was some much needed comedic relief. But never had she expected for them to fall down from the ceiling onto the table in front of her! She was expressionless for a moment, then raised an eyebrow when Harry started complaining once more.

"Bloody hell, I wonder how many passages there are in those tunnels." He was once more dusting off his robes, thinking about how he was going to explain to his mother how he'd managed to ruin two brand-new robes in two days straight.

"Explain, now." Tonks' cool voice brought the boy and girl's attention to her. "Well, we got lost. Again. So we entered the hidden passage we found yesterday. Only it's not a passage. It's a bloody maze. We covered at least ten kilometers yesterday, and five today. Hey, you were keeping the tally, right? How often did we nearly die in there?" His explanation had started addressed to his older cousin, but the two questions were directed at his tunnel crawling accomplice.

"Twenty-three times yesterday, thirteen today." Alex sighed when she announced the numbers, and Tonks was shocked. "Does that include that ruddy huge snake we encountered?" Everybody was wondering what a 'ruddy huge snake' meant, but before anyone could utter the question, Alex had already continued.

"Yes, if it wasn't for the fact that you could talk with it, it would definitively have eaten us. It was hungry. I could see it in its eyes. Although we wouldn't have been much more than an in-between snack for her. She must've been thirty meters long, at least." Alex was shivering when she retold that piece of information, and Harry copied her action.

"Don't exaggerate! No way there is a thirty meter long snake in the castle without anyone noticing it." The comment came from the slytherin table, although it was hard to pinpoint exactly where as everyone had burst out murmuring at the latest piece of information.

"Her. Her name is Sasha, and apparently she was placed here by Salazar Slytherin himself a millennia ago. Some sort of last defence should the castle and students ever be threatened by outsiders. Or so said Slytherin's portrait we found an hour ago. He was surprisingly nice, actually." Indicating that they were done talking for now by jumping off the table and seating themselves between Hermione Granger and Neville Longbottom, they began to eat lunch, all while the teachers' eyes never left them, too confused to eat.


	3. Chapter 3: Sorting

A/N: This is another random plot bunny that buggered me. Again, AU. Have at it. Good read.

"When I call your name, come forward and I will place the Sorting Hat on your head to determine your house. ABBOTT, HANNAH."

Harry watched with interest how Professor McGonagall placed the tattered looking hat on the heads of the various children who would become his classmates. When Hermione's name was called, he found it took the Sorting Hat nearly a minute to place her in Gryffindor, probably deciding between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. The hall clapped politely, intermixed with some cheering before the Transfiguration professor called the next name.

"POTTER, HARRY." Hearing his name called, he relaxed the tension he'd unknowingly built up and walked with his head held high. After all, there was no point in being nervous anymore. He'd done all the smarting up he could do, and whatever happened now, would happen. He sat down and McGonagall put the Sorting Hat square on his head.

" _Well, well, well, what have we here? Smarts, oh yes, smarts in abundance, yet no yearning to learn new things daily. Ambition, too. But no grand goals. Oh, Salazar would kill to have you in his house just because of your extra talent, but you wouldn't reach your full potential there - too much politics."_ Harry listened as the Sorting hat rambled on, and found it was taking into account his thoughts as it talked about his traits in real time.

"Hello, I'm Harry. Do you have a name?" The voice in his head stopped, only to answer his greeting. " _Hello, Harry. My name is Bob, thanks for asking. Ah, you should go into his house after all. Your bravery is different from most others. You think before charging, but have no hesitation should the situation call for action. Oh yes, you, my boy, shall go to_ GRYFFINDOR!"

The moment the old teacher beside him wanted to lift the hat from his head, harry felt something hit his head. "Ow, what the…?" Exclaimed Harry before taking Bob off his head and grabbing the object that hit him on his head seconds ago. In his hand was a silver rapier with rubies the size of fingers embedded on the hilt, and the name ' _GODRIC GRYFFINDOR'_ engraved on the blade. He just looked at it for a few seconds before putting it on the chair and asking "Okay, what else do you have in there?" while putting his entire arm into the hat. When he pulled his arm out again, he held a shining golden cup with a badger engraved on its surface. "A cup."

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry had witnessed many a great moment, but not even the time when he and Nicholas Flamel had found the twelve uses for dragon blood was comparable to what was happening in front of his eyes right now. A first year - Harry Potter or not, a first year! - had pulled out the sword of Godric Gryffindor from the sorting hat, meaning it had recognized him as a true defender of Hogwarts. And even though the cup that followed was a tad less impressive, it had still been lost for centuries. He would have to reward the boy with a hefty sum of house points later for bringing two ancient artifacts back to Hogwarts. The 110 year old headmaster was about to rise to his feet and calm the masses - which by now had gotten a bit unruly, but was cut off by Harry himself when he reached into the hat once more.

Putting the cup beside the sword, Harry again let the hat swallow his arm to see if there was anything else hidden away. After feeling around for a few seconds, he felt something and pulled out a silver tiara with a large, azure sapphire embedded in the center. " _Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure._ Huh. Learned something today too, then." This item, too, he put beside the sword, only to once more reach into the depths the hat should definitely not possess.

At this point, every single student and teacher were gobsmacked and no one said a word. When the not-yet sorted Harry Potter started pulling out one ancient and lost artifact after the other, people had started muttering, but all conversation was halted when he pulled out Ravenclaw's lost diadem, and people started to unconsciously halt their breathing. For a fourth time did he now reach into the hat, and for a fourth time did he pull out a long lost artifact believed lost in time. This time it was a small, golden locket with a snake motif.

"That's quite the random collection of stuff you've got there, Bob. Anything else?" Before Bob could respond, Harry Potter had once more shoved his entire arm into the seemingly too small hat, moving his arm around, looking for treasure. When he found none, he went deeper. When his entire upper body disappeared into the Sorting Hat, he pulled out his wand from his pocket and cast a lumos. What he found there completely floored him. Sitting there, reading a book was a man with hair so red he put Harry's mother to shame. His clothes were also a mix of red and gold, and the fireplace he cozied in front of was roaring with blue flames. Harry just blinked several times, completely dumbfounded, before slowly pulling out of the hat again.

"O~kay~… That wasn't weird at all." All of the occupants of the great hall were watching as Harry unsurely put the hat on the chair's backrest, gathering the four items and seating himself at the Gryffindor table, where a bushy-haired girl smiled at him after shaking herself out of the stupor that still lay over the rest of the hall.


	4. Chapter 4: Chamber of Secrets

A/N: So I opened the chamber of secrets today. Please put away those pitchforks. Also, see if you find the easter egg.

Kazztar: Yes, I won't deny that's the origin of my inspiration. The story is called 'The Price is Right' by _Hi Pot and News_. Highly recommended in case you haven't read it yet.

Everyone else: Good to know at least someone finds my writing funny.

Gilderoy Lockhart had experienced many things, and heard even more stories, but none of them - none - came even close to the sheer ridiculousness of what was currently happening in front of him right now. According to the look on the young Voldemort's face, he held similar thoughts.

"And then I said: '§Shall we play a game?§' And Merlin's beard, you should have seen his face!" Harry Potter had stricken him as a bit weird, sure, but this was a completely different level of weird. For quickly joining Harry's laughter was the thirty meters long Basilisk's - which thankfully had its eyes closed - roar of sheer terror. Seriously, how was he supposed to sleep tonight? Lockhart supposed he'd have to break out the big guns tonight and unpack Mr Ruggles for the first time in three years. His blanket had been with him since he was four, when he had a close encounter with a muggle whose name he still remembered to this day - Vernon. He had been crying for three hours after his undies were pulled up higher than he was tall - to this day he was still impressed with their stretchiness - before his mother gave him Mr Ruggles.

The immortal and unbeatable wizard, the most powerful and evil force the world had ever seen - Voldemort, believed himself to be able to do the impossible. Tell him to kill seven armies, and he'll find seven different ways to do it within seven minutes - what? He likes the number seven. But Harry Potter had him stumped. Did he have some really complicated plan you'd sooner break your neck trying to figure out than understand, or did he have no plan whatsoever and was just winging it? Impossible to say. The line between genius and idiocy was thin. Very thin. Why, just a short twenty-three years ago he himself had created a plan so genius that the two people he told about it thought him an idiot. They didn't do so for long. They didn't do much of anything anymore, actually. But there was one thing Tom Riddle knew with absolute certainty. Harry Potter had some serious potential as a comedian. Maybe he should spare him, after all.

Ron Weasley was in a cornundrum. He wanted to laugh at the ridiculous scene playing out in front of his eyes, but simultaneously couldn't really process it. He was good at playing chess and thinking ahead, sure. But his normal reaction to being caught off guard by something he couldn't even imagine was to start running his mouth about the first thing that came to mind, so naturally the words which escaped his mouth were: "A chicken! I wonder how it tastes."

Fawkes had been living with his human for over six decades now, and he himself was way~ older, but even he had never met such a creature as Sasha. At first he wanted to claw her eyes out, but after the hatchling had convinced him she was just lonely and needed some entertainment, he'd reluctantly backed down. Was he glad he had stayed his claws. Had he known the hatchling was this entertaining, he'd have flamed him to his perch as often as possible. Suddenly he felt a shiver run down his spine, and after turning his head in the direction the uncomfortable feeling originated from, his pupils widened slightly. The redheaded hatchling's eyes were glittering in such a way he put his human to shame. He'd make sure to keep his distance from that one.

Sasha had been bored. Since her master had died, her days consisted of sleeping and eating. That's it. No person to keep her company, no snakes to exchange stories with. Some few years ago another wizard found her and had her terrorize the school, but that didn't last long. Quickly it was back to the boring routine, sleeping and eating. So when she was awakened once more, she decided that this time would be different. She would be entertained, whether her vict-, _cough_ , entertainer liked it or not. She was positively surprised when the young one didn't shriek and run like all the others tended to do, and had she had eyebrows, they'd have shot through her non-existent hairline when he started telling jokes. "§Knock knock. Who's there? You know. You know who? Exactly.§" After processing that , she couldn't help herself, she roared in laughter, only stopping when she heard him start his next joke. "§How do Salazar's descendants get into bed? They Slytherin.§" This day was just getting better and better.

Ginny Weasley was having a nightmare. She was leading the monster on her quest to kill her dear, beloved hero - Harry Potter. She didn't know how, but she knew he was right around the corner. She saw his surprised face, and then the monster's roar. She closed her eyes and turned around, not wishing to witness this moment. But after five seconds the roaring continued, albeit not in the usual "I am a scary monster!" fashion, but rather a "Bloody hell, that was hilarious!" way. So she opened her eyes and came face to hat with the sorting hat. Her mind was going a thousand miles an hour, trying to work out what was going on, but she quickly decided to just ask. "Wha-" But she was abruptly cut off as the Sorting Hat in all its ancient glory shushed at her. "He's telling the good ones." As if that sentence explained the answer to life, the universe and everything, it turned its attention back to the center of the chamber they all found themselves in.

"§How do you get a mythical beast into your house? Through the Gryffindor.§" Ginny stiffened the instant she heard the hissing, and slowly, but surely turned her head towards it. What she saw confused the hell out of her. Sitting in front of the thirty meter long monster was her knight in shining armor, only instead of carrying her in his arms and reassuring her that everything would be fine, he was grinning, as if he didn't have a care in the world. In fact, he hadn't even noticed her return to consciousness. With all those facts, there was only one possible conclusion she could draw: It was a dream. So she laid back down and re-entered morpheus' realm.


	5. Chapter 5: Exorcism

A/N: I always did wonder what happened to Professor Binns, so I had a go at what occured (set during their fifth year). I'll up the rating to T for the innuendos, and maybe the swearing. I mean, they're teenagers, and teenagers swear. Deal with it.

" _While Deadfoot was the figurehead of the war, the real chief was Goldsnout, Deadfoot's advisor. When he saw they could not win, Goldsnout made sure that all evidence of his puppeteering was erased. And so Deadfoot was the only goblin executed that August morning in 1276._ " Cuthbert Binns, History Professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for over sixty years, droned on with a voice that could put an alarm clock to sleep, not giving one bloody squirrel that all but two of his class were visiting the plane of dreams, fighting alongside Superman or swimming in a building full of gold. And even those two who had not quite left him had to seriously fight in order not to follow the rest of their class.

Harry's consciousness was slipping for the _n_ th time during the double history period with the Slytherins, the only thing keeping him from departing the land of the awake being the collision between his forehead and the desk he sat at. "Oh for fuck's sake, this is ridiculous. You'd think having a ghost as history teacher would be fascinating, but no, he's the bloody cure for insomnia." Harry supported his head - which by now was weighing twenty kilograms - with his left hand, talking to the only other two persons who managed to fight off the hypnotic effects from Binns' words, Hermione and Daphne.

"Yeah, you'd think he hasn't noticed his own passing, so enthusiastic he is. I mean, come on, he's been talking about this goblin rebellion for the last two weeks, and I swear he continued talking even after everyone had left the classroom on Monday." Hermione, normally the studious and serious - not that Sirius! - student, actually rambled on about the faults of a teacher, Harry was impressed.

"Rumor amongst the ghosts is actually that he hasn't even realised he's dead. Apparently he doesn't show up during any of their parties, not even his own death day party. Although that may be because even when he's not in class, he's still droning on about goblin and giant wars like it's the most exciting thing since the invention of underwear." Daphne Greengrass, heiress of the most Ancient and Noble house of Greengrass, added her own two knuts to their conversation. Although even she, with rather strong occlumency barriers, was swinging precariously left and right.

" _Chuckle_ , yeah, you'd think no one has ever thought of telling him… Hang on." Harry suddenly sat upright, his earlier sleepiness nowhere to be seen, eyes losing their focus before a mischievous glint replaced the glazed look. Then, a grin spread on his face, and his eyes were practically glowing. Elbowing his two partners, he said: "Hey, watch this."

Harry stood up and went to stand in front of the professor, who hadn't reacted, even though two students talked openly and one stood two steps from him. Hermione and Daphne in the meantime just raised their eyebrows, a hint of amusement seen when the corners of their lips went up by a small margin. Hermione wondered if the ghost would even react, for he didn't seem to give a crap that his students were all in Morpheus' realm. Daphne was envisioning some form for exorcism spell or ritual Harry had found somewhere - it was an old magic castle after all. Both girls were dumbfounded when Harry performed his actual exorcism.

"Professor Binns, you're dead." Straight and simple, Harry thought. Binns suddenly stopped talking and looked up at Harry. The girls were shocked, Harry had actually managed to get a reaction from him. This one, they thought, they had to observe properly. The ghost was by now staring at his hands, his eyebrows had disappeared into his hairline seconds ago, his expression full of disbelief. That feeling didn't last long, though, and he once more looked at Harry's face.

"You're right. I'm dead. I suppose it's time for me to move on, then! Darling, HERE I COME!" Normally, the Professor of History had about as much energy as Filch had love for children, but now he was positively radiating giddiness, his eyes having taken on a shine of youth once more, and his voice filled with energy they'd never before seen him display. When he disappeared through the nearest wall on the front of the classroom, Harry was chuckling, while Daphne was muttering "But… wha…", Hermione was banging her fist on the desk, , laughter escaping the no-longer-tired fifth year student, her eyes tearing from the sheer ridiculousness that was Harry's exorcism of their Professor.

"Hey Daphne, how about we properly thank the newly minted exorcist properly for his noble deed? The class won't wake up for another hour, so no-one will notice us gone." Hermione was waggling her eyebrows and a lecherous grin threatening to split her face in two. Daphne's cheeks were flaring a soft red, but she nodded nonetheless.

When the rest of the class woke up an hour later, they were confused about the absence of their droning professor, but didn't think much of it, and Hermione and Daphne had long since dragged Harry off to thank him privately in a broom closet.


End file.
